


Spiders in Your Favourite Shoes

by bellasgonemissing



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Gen, Marauders, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Marauders Friendship (Harry Potter), Remus Lupin Needs a Hug, The Prank, friends supporting each other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-26
Updated: 2019-05-26
Packaged: 2020-03-17 20:37:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,292
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18972496
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bellasgonemissing/pseuds/bellasgonemissing
Summary: Sirius was always the one to build Remus back up after the full moon.  Now, he is the one to break him.The aftermath of The Prank in 6th year





	Spiders in Your Favourite Shoes

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is something that I thought about for a long time, I realised I had some very strong opinions about what Remus' reaction to The Prank would be and that nothing else I had read quite fit my own version of events so I thought I should write about it myself. I'm insanely proud of this and hope you enjoy reading it as much as I did writing it.
> 
> Thank you to Natalie and Skye for beta reading and all their kind words 
> 
> This is tagged as general but can also be read as wolfstar 
> 
> Title from 'Devil Town' by Cavetown
> 
> Warnings for smoking, a panic attack, swearing and blood

It was cold the morning Remus woke up to an empty hospital wing. The first in five years. As the cold seeped into his weakened bones, he knew something was wrong. His mind tried to go into overdrive but it just felt fuzzy from the drugs he’d surely been given when Madam Pomfrey had first dragged his bleeding body into the school. Faintly, he heard clicking footsteps approaching, they sounded so far away, like they were coming from another dimension. And a voice, so close he was sure whoever it was must be shouting right into his ear. A hand on his arm, he knew it was there, not from the feeling of it, but the pressure. It didn’t feel real. _Something was wrong_.

‘Mr Lupin.’

He willed his hand to move. This should be easy. For most people this was easy. His hands did not feel a part of him, his body adjusting to the lack of claws. He couldn’t move. It was so cold. _Something was wrong._

‘Mr Lupin.’

He was vaguely aware that his eyes were open but he couldn’t see anything. His bones were made of dust. It had been a bad moon. Where were his friends? Was he breathing? _Something was wrong._

‘Mr Lupin.’

Something was in his throat. It was thick. He couldn’t swallow it. He coughed. Some of it must have found its way into his stomach though because after a few moments he was able to see and feel. Make out Professor McGonagall sitting next to his bed. And finally, the panic set in.

‘What’s going on?’ He demanded, not really to McGonagall, more to his surroundings. He could feel the sheets twisting around his sweat-drenched body, where he had been convulsing in his unconscious state. McGonagall looked at him with hard set but not unkind eyes. In that moment he was sure that it had finally happened. He had killed someone. Oh god it was one of his friends. He had known it was too dangerous, that they would wind up getting hurt, he could feel it. Every time they insisted that they come with him, that they were fine, that it was more likely that he would kill _himself_ if they didn’t. And he had gone along with it like an idiot. He knew this would happen and he let it. He felt like he himself was dying, like all the air around him had disappeared and his lungs closed up. He could vaguely feel his hands shaking. Could your hands still shake when you weren’t breathing? He had fucking _killed_ someone.

It was almost as if McGonagall could see the thoughts filling up his mind. ‘It’s okay Remus, nobody’s hurt.’

_What the hell happened then?_

She was clearly waiting for Remus to say something else but his mind was still cloudy, not fully processing what was and wasn’t happening.

‘I’m afraid someone else has become aware of your condition.’ She sounded almost truly afraid. Of him?

‘W-what do you mean?’ Had she found out that the others were anamagi? Shit. He might not have killed them but he would have gotten them expelled. He could see it, each one of them getting their wands snapped in two, their magic losing its power. They would never forgive him. They would hate him. They would never speak to him again. How could he have been so stupid? He knew it was only a matter of time before he lost his friends but by now, he had found himself believing that maybe that wouldn’t happen. His mind raced trying to think of excuses, he tried to shake the slowness out of it. If he could just convince her it was all his fault then maybe they wouldn’t get such a big punishment.

‘Remus?’

‘Professor, it’s not- they’re not-‘

‘I’m not sure what you’re talking about Mr Lupin, are you aware that your friends knew about your condition?’ Remus avoided her eyes, fingers curling around the sheets. He knew they shouldn’t know but thank god, nothing worse had happened. He couldn’t help but let out a slow exhale, it was fine, the only problem was McGonagall had found out that the others knew and while that wasn’t great, it was worlds better than the alternatives. ‘Yes Professor, but they’ve known for ages, it’s not a big deal, they wouldn’t spread it around or anything.’

McGonagall pursed her lips, a weight dropped in Remus’ chest. God she looked so sorry for him. ‘Remus I’m sorry, they have.’ She stopped there, not explaining, just letting him comprehend it, except he couldn’t. That wasn’t a possibility; it wasn’t something that could happen in any plane of existence. His mind went blank, partly from the drugs, mostly from sheer shock.

‘Mr Lupin?’

A buzzing began.

‘Remus?’

It became piercing.

‘Remus.’ He couldn’t hear anything. He could feel the presence of someone else in the room. Maybe there was a hand on his arm? Something in his throat again, not so thick this time, it was easier to swallow. He didn’t remember swallowing. The buzzing stopped abruptly, how long ago had it started?

‘Who was it?’ He asked, deadpan, he couldn’t handle emotion right now. There was no reply, a sigh. ‘Which one of them did it?’ Why the fuck wasn’t she answering him?

‘Sirius.’

There was a sharp, sudden, stabbing pain in his chest, his limbs felt numb. ‘Oh.’

He looked to McGonagall again, searching for a reason, some kind of excuse, surely, surely, he had a good freaking reason for this although he knew there couldn’t be one. She looked sad, an expression he’d never seen on her face before. He could hear a group of kids walk by outside the hospital wing laughing, how could anyone be laughing? He didn’t feel solid.

‘Who did he tell?’ His voice cracked. Dammit.

She was trying to be gentle with him but it was just pissing him off, he only wanted to know what happened and why. He wished she could stop skirting around the answers. Those pursed lips again, that silence again, a silence that beat loud in Remus’ ears. ‘Severus Snape.’

Remus pressed a weak hand to his heart to check that it was still beating, shocked when he found it was. Severus Snape who they had all hated since first year. Severus Snape who was constantly trying to get them expelled. Severus Snape who was actively searching out his secret. That was who Sirius had told. It felt a little like being underwater, McGonagall was trying to say something else but it was echoing back to him, unintelligible. It felt like there was water instead of air around him, like his body was pushing back on his surroundings. But it wasn’t true was it? It couldn’t be true. Maybe it was a really terrible prank. Or some kind of test Dumbledore was making him do to see how he would deal with the situation. Maybe it was a post-moon fever dream. Whatever it was, Remus felt suddenly quite convinced that that it was all false.

‘Why are you saying that?’ He asked McGonagall.

She looked taken aback. ‘You asked me who he told Remus.’

‘But he didn’t right? Why would you make that up?’ He finally let the forcefulness into his voice.

‘I’m so sorry Remus, it’s what happened.’

‘Can you stop being sorry? It didn’t happen and I don’t know why you’re telling me it did or if this is even real but please just stop it because I am already having a hard enough time as it is without my fucking teacher making shit up about my friends that clearly didn’t happen because they are good people and I _trust_ them.’ Remus’ vision went blurry and his cheeks went damp.

McGonagall flinched. ‘Okay Remus, listen to me.’ She said, calmly but earnestly. ‘The things I’m telling you really happened; I am not lying to you. Now, I don’t know the details yet, Mr Black and Mr Snape are in the Headmaster’s office right now discussing the situation. If you feel as if you are able to do so, I must ask you to join them. But I am telling you what I know to be the truth. It is not something I find easy to believe either. Do you understand me?’

He didn’t really but the shouting from a moment ago had drained him and he didn’t want to argue with her. Instead, he gave a small nod. McGonagall seemed satisfied with this and clasped her hands together. ‘Will you accompany me to Professor Dumbledore’s office?’

Remus didn’t really think he had the strength and by the look on Madam Pomfrey’s face, who had just come bustling out of her office at the end of the wing, she didn’t either, but he needed to hear the story from Sirius. He pushed himself up, his arms protesting. Madam Pomfrey joining them, ‘Minerva, I don’t think it’s a good idea for him to leave just yet, it wasn’t an easy moon.’

‘I’m going.’ Remus argued, he couldn’t sit around waiting.

Madam Pomfrey sighed. ‘Well at least take this,’ she said, handing him a bottle of salve to put on his already healing wounds.

\---

The walk to Dumbledore’s office felt miles long. Not only were Remus’ legs still aching from the night before but his nerves were spreading electricity through his body, right down to the tips of his fingers. He gripped the railing of the spiralling stone staircase to prevent himself from collapsing, the buzzing in his veins was growing stronger and he was starting to think that maybe this wasn’t such a good idea after all. He could barely stand up, how was he going to be able to talk about what had happened? In a time that felt like both an hour and five seconds, he was standing next to McGonagall outside the gargoyle blocking the entrance to the Headmaster’s office. She looked at him briefly, perhaps to check that he wasn’t about to throw up before firmly announcing the password. ‘Pear drops.’

The gargoyle moved aside to let them in and the warmth of the office immediately reached out to Remus. With a fire crackling away in the corner, old books stacked on the worn shelves and big, plush armchairs, the homeliness of the room felt almost inappropriate, especially in contrast to the four solemn faces that inhabited it. Remus gulped down a breath of air before stepping inside.

The room was so full of tension that Remus almost found it difficult to breathe. Sirius and Snape sat facing Dumbledore with tightly clasped hands in their laps and stone cold expressions of their faces. James was next to them although Remus was unsure why. Had he backed Sirius up? How would he cope if two of his friends had betrayed him? Remus had been in Dumbledore’s office plenty of times before but never had there been such an overwhelming feeling of dread present. All of their faces turned at his entry, James’ extremely apologetic, Snape’s sneering, disgusted, Sirius avoiding everyone’s gaze with a pained expression. Remus’ stomach filled with lead.

‘Mr Lupin.’ Dumbledore’s calm voice broke the stifling silence. ‘Please, sit.’

An extra soft and cushioned armchair materialised beside James’. Sitting in it and sinking into the plush fabric made Remus feel slightly stupid. He clasped his hands in his lap and stared into the mahogany of the desk, determined not to meet anyone’s eyes.

‘Now, I assume you are not fully aware of the circumstances which led us to this meeting?’

Remus shook his head, digging his feet into the carpet.

‘In that case, I will try to explain as best I can.’ Remus tried desperately not to look at Sirius. ‘Last night, while you were… occupied, Mr Black informed Mr Snape of the method used to access the passageway under the Whomping Willow. I am sure he will be able to inform you of his reasoning for this at a better time. Fortunately, Mr Potter here heard what had happened and arrived at the tree just in time to rescue everyone from more unfortunate circumstances. _Unfortunately_ , Mr Snape was able to catch a glimpse of you before James was able to step in, which brings us to our current situation.’

Only now did it begin to set in that this was really happening. Remus felt nauseated and wished he were not having this conversation. James’ leg was jiggling up and down in his peripheral vision. _It could have been worse._ He thought. _I could have killed him._ Remus was now certain he was going to be expelled; Dumbledore couldn’t get him out of this one.

‘Now, I have made certain that Mr Snape will not share this information with anyone so you will not have to worry about any rumours spreading.’ Sure. If Remus couldn’t even trust Sirius, he wasn’t about to trust Snape. He was almost certain the whole school would know within the week. And then he would be expelled.

‘And Mr Black will be receiving the proper punishments for his actions.’ So he would get a few detentions, get some house points taken, how would that change anything?

‘Do you all understand that none of this information can be shared outside of this room?’ Half-hearted nods from the four of them.

‘If everyone is on the same page, then I will let you go.’ Dumbledore said.

‘On the same page?’ Snape sounded incredulous. ‘I still don’t understand why he’s not getting expelled.’ Remus knew this was coming but that didn’t stop his stomach from sinking.

‘I’m not sure I understand the need for Mr Lupin to be expelled.’ Dumbledore said calmly.

 _‘You don’t understand the need?’_ Remus could see Snape’s fingers clenching in anger. ‘He’s dangerous! Or should I say _it’s_ dangerous.’ James reached for his wand but a look from Dumbledore stopped him from taking it out.

‘He has harmed no one.’ Dumbledore replied. Snape scoffed. ‘It almost _killed_ me.’

‘And yet you are sitting here, perfectly unharmed. I see no reason to expel Mr Lupin when he has been a perfectly good student for more than five years.’

Snape seemed to decide that arguing with Albus Dumbledore was not a good idea and slumped back in his chair, arms crossed, clearly still seething with rage. James looked nervously from Snape to Dumbledore.

‘Um, if that’s all sorted, is it okay if we leave now, Professor?’ He asked.

‘Certainly, Professor McGonagall will escort you out. Mr Black, I will see you here on Monday.’ When Remus stood up, he found all of his limbs were made of jelly. He weakly followed McGonagall out of the room and back down the winding staircase. He thought he heard Dumbledore say something to the others but his mind could only focus on one thing at a time. Before the others could meet them McGonagall said quietly, ‘please come see me if you need anything Remus, I know this cannot be easy for you.’ That felt like an understatement to Remus but he managed a nod. She studied his face for a second before walking briskly off in the direction of her office.

Remus just stood there in the hallway for a second, not sure what to do now. Normally at this time the day after a full moon, he would still be resting in the Hospital Wing, his friends around him, fussing over him with Honeydukes sweets. Right now, he could not feel more alone. He heard voices on the stairs, heavyset footsteps. James and Sirius appeared in front of him, followed by Snape, who gave him a disgusted look before pushing past, nearly knocking him to the floor.

James seemed to be searching for the right thing to say, stammering some half formed syllables but eventually gave up and enveloped Remus a tight hug. ‘I’m sorry.’ He murmured in Remus’ ear. James gave the best hugs Remus had ever had and despite the bone-crushing sadness his body was overcome with, a little bit of warmth spread through him from James’ love. At least he still had this.

James stepped back and Remus gave him a small smile to show his appreciation. James looked between him and Sirius, who was a standing back, staring devoutly at the floor. ‘Uh, I’m going to go, come talk to me later okay?’ He gave Remus a similar look to McGonagall and headed for the library, his usual energetic step lost.

Remus was now left standing in the empty corridor with Sirius, Sirius Black, someone he didn’t even know if he knew anymore. There was stinging in his eyes, a prickle at the back of his neck. And Sirius was still staring at the floor. Remus felt a sudden burning in the pit of stomach, anger building up through his body, pushing at his ribcage and his fingertips and his throat. _How fucking dare he._ ‘So you’re not even going to _look_ at me?’

Sirius looked up then, he’d been crying, his eyes pained as he pressed his fingertips together at his sides. ‘I’m sorry.’ He whispered, the same words James had spoken moments earlier, yet they sounded completely different. Now, that wasn’t going to cut it.

‘Well I guess it’s good to know you’re not completely heartless.’ Remus snapped. Before, he wasn’t sure how he was going to react, if he’d forgive Sirius, if he’d just be sad about it, now, all he could feel was anger.

Sirius’ face scrunched up a bit, more tears falling. ‘Remus, shit, I can- well I can’t explain but I can tell you what happened-‘ ‘I don’t want to talk about this here, someone could hear. Although I guess you wouldn’t care if they did.’ He turned to walk to their dormitory, all the numbness from earlier evaporated.

Once Remus reached the Portrait Hole, he found that with his mind so full of chaos he couldn’t remember the password. ‘Dammit.’ He mumbled, he didn’t want to have to rely on Sirius right now.

‘Well someone seems to be in a bit of grump.’ The Fat Lady commented, wine in hand.

‘Don’t try me.’ He stared daggers at her.

Sirius appeared then to save him from any further prying from the portrait. ‘Dragon tails.’ He said. Remus pushed past him and clambered through the Portrait Hole into the Gryffindor Common Room. It was crowded, a Saturday and everyone was inside avoiding the cold. Luckily, no one took any notice of their tired, tearstained faces.

Remus assumed Peter must be with James in the library as their dormitory was empty when they arrived. ‘Okay. Explain.’ He crossed his arms, using his height to his advantage.

Sirius looked overwhelmed. He took a breath. ‘Okay, well, you know Snape has been trying to figure out what was going on with you for months now.’ Remus nodded. ‘Last night, he was pestering me about it again, saying that he saw you go down to the Willow with Pomfrey. He said he would find a way to get it out of you somehow, and you know how he’s been getting into to all that Dark stuff, I was scared. I don’t know what lengths he would go to, to get you to tell him. So I- I wasn’t thinking- or you know when in the moment something sounds like the right thing to say and then right after you say it you immediately regret it? I thought, I’ll tell him about the knot, he won’t actually try it, everyone’s too scared to go near the Willow and if there’s anyone that lacks courage it’s him. And if he does go down there, he’ll just get bashed up by a tree. I thought it would be funny. But when I saw the look on his face after I said it… shit, I knew I’d fucked up and I went to get James and he ran down there and got him out of the passage before anything happened.’ He was crying again. ‘I’m so sorry Remus, I know that won’t change anything but I swear I am so sorry. I was a complete idiot and I don’t expect you to forgive me.’

Remus stood there, letting his arms drop to his sides. ‘Okay.’ He couldn’t process it yet. ‘Okay… I need a cigarette.’ He turned away from Sirius and hoped he would take the cue to leave, he needed space. Once Remus heard the door close he rummaged in his bedside drawers for a cigarette, finding one, he collapsed on his back on his bed and used his wand that he had left there the night before, to light it. He let his mind clear for a minute, focusing only on the smoke in his lungs and curling into the air in front of him. The thing was, he was hurt and angry and upset but not entirely surprised. He could imagine the situation playing out, Sirius panicking, a decision being made even if it was a very wrong one. He was sorry, that wouldn’t fix it but at least he was sorry. Remus supposed that counted for something. ‘Sorry’ wouldn’t cancel out the fact that his best friend didn’t actually care about him at all though. His cigarette had burnt out without his notice. He stared at the end of it, focusing on the feel of it between his fingers, the light stuttering out. He didn’t think the burning in his chest would go away as easily. Remus let himself cry then. He didn’t entirely mean to but his face was wet and he supposed that was what was happening now. The next logical step. Slowly moving trails of tears changed to heaving sobs and his chest hurt even more and he couldn’t see anything and he couldn’t breathe and he could feel himself panicking. He tried to find something to hold on to, to ground himself but his body wasn’t moving the way he wanted it to. He couldn’t sort out his thoughts, he kept trying to gulp down breaths but it wasn’t working, nothing was working, he was shaking. The noise of his own sobbing rattled in his ears, his heart was beating so fast. This wasn’t right. Was he going to die? The noise in his head grew louder, how long was it since he’d taken a breath?

‘Hey. Hey, its okay Remus, you’re okay.’

His heart was beating so fast, there was a hand on his own.

‘You’re here, yeah? You’re in our dorm.’ He managed to swallow a breath. The hand gripped tighter. The thumb ran patterns over his palm.

‘You’re okay, I swear, you’re okay.

The room came into focus. The hand belonged to James. Peter sat beside him, worrying his lip between his teeth. ‘Okay, can you breathe with me?’

He took a long breath in and Remus shakily followed suit. Peter held the air in his lungs for a few seconds and let it slowly out again. ‘Okay? Keep breathing like that. It will help.’

A few more long breathes and Remus felt almost back to normal, or only as bad as he did before the panic attack. ‘You okay?’

‘Yeah.’ Remus nodded. ‘Thank you.’ Peter still looked worried.

‘Sorry for just barging in.’ James said. ‘We knocked but you didn’t answer and we heard you crying so…’

‘No, its fine, thank you… and thank you for what you did last night too. I don’t know what I would have done if…yeah.’ Remus wiped the tears from his cheeks.

‘Of course, Remus, I wouldn’t have let anything happen. Did you talk to him?’

‘Yeah. He said he was sorry but I don’t think I can forgive him, at least not for a while. Does that make me a dick?’

‘Of course not. I don’t think anyone expects you to.’

There was silence for a moment. ‘This fucking sucks.’ Peter said and Remus thought that summed up the situation quite nicely.

\---

Sirius didn’t return to their dorm until late that night. Usually, this would have worried Remus but now he just felt empty. James looked for him on the Map a few times with no results. Multiple offers of dinner were refused, despite James’ persistence and chocolate was offered in its place which couldn’t be as easily denied. James and Peter bade Remus goodnight at a very early hour with scrunched eyebrows and pursed lips. Not that Remus went to sleep. Apparently, overwhelming tiredness, he found, did not guarantee restfulness so Remus spent hours rolling from one side of bed to the other and trying to clear his mind. At what must have been about two in the morning, the door slowly opened, bringing in the hunched form of Sirius. Remus attempted to level out his breathing into something imitating sleep. Sirius didn’t show any sign of disbelief at this, as he made no movement to say anything although Remus could feel his eyes on him for just a second before the floorboards creaked in the direction of Sirius’ bed. At another time, Sirius would have lay in bed next to Remus and they would have talked until they were able to fall asleep, the lull of conversation drawing fog into their minds, now, Remus could tell neither of them slept at all, stiff bodies lay in cold beds, their eyes stinging but their minds never shutting off. He could tell this was not going to be easy and his stomach filled with dread at the prospect of what was to come.

\---

James always woke up early. He would be completely ready for the day hours before the others even opened their eyes. Often, he would act as their alarm clock, starting a record playing to get them out of bed. Not today. Today he didn’t get dressed as soon as the first rays of light hit their window; he slipped into Remus’ bed.

‘Did you sleep at all?’ Remus shook his head.

‘Are you going to go to class today?’ He nodded; he didn’t think sitting in the dorm all day would help anything.

‘Okay.’ He held Remus’ hand for a second. ‘You’re going to be alright, you know.’

Remus listened to the silence of the dorm, the breathing of someone so clearly awake in the bed next his, and didn’t feel very hopeful.

\---

Sirius wasn’t at breakfast and Remus stopped himself from worrying that he wasn’t eating enough. Sirius wasn’t his responsibility, especially not at the moment.

He came to class late, long after Remus, James and Peter had taken their seats at the back of the Transfiguration classroom. Sirius hesitated for a second and sat at the front.

‘So glad you decided to join us.’ McGonagall gave him a pointed look. ‘Five points from Gryffindor.’ Sirius swore under his breath. The rest of the class noticed something was up. There were glances and whispers thrown their way all lesson. The rest of their year knew them as an inseparable group. A group that always came to class at the same time, always sat together, always whispered together and passed notes together. Remus knew a break in that system would spread rumours. Exactly what he needed.

The whispers began at lunch when Sirius sat down the table away from the other three, eating a salad silently. There wasn’t much more noise coming from Remus, James and Peter, it didn’t feel right to make normal conversation, the air was too dense, the noise of the Great Hall too loud. Their hearts hurting too much.

‘What do you think’s going on?’ A fourth year to his friend.

‘I heard someone say Black accidently killed Potter’s rabbit.’

‘No’ another one interjected. ‘It was a gerbil.’

‘It wasn’t about an animal at all. Pettigrew got him a week’s detention for that slime the other day, even though he was the one who did it.’

‘Nope. Belinda told me Sirius accused Remus of being a werewolf.’ Remus choked on his pumpkin juice. His hands were shaking.

‘Maybe you should just stay in bed for the rest of the day.’ Peter suggested. ‘We can bring you your work.’

‘No I already missed class, the other day, before the moon, I just need to ignore it.’

‘They’re just idiots.’ James said. ‘They don’t know shit about you or Sirius.’

‘I know. I’ll be fine.’ _I’ll be fine_.

\---

Remus couldn’t concentrate for the rest of the day, one minute he would be focusing, taking notes, the next he would look at the board and a whole new paragraph had been written that he hadn’t even noticed. By History of Magic, he decided not to try anymore. Head on his desk, scribbled patterns appearing over his notes in smudged ink. He found it fitting. His brain felt smudged. He didn’t notice when the class finished, and neither, it seemed, did Professor Binns. He just kept rambling but people started getting up so Remus figured he should too.

Sirius was in the Common Room when he got there, trying, and what looked like failing, to do an essay. He didn’t look up when Remus came in. Remus sat in a chair on the other side of the room, doing everything he could not to look at Sirius. He was trying to read but his eyes blurred and skipped over the words, jumbling them together. He felt all of Sirius movements, a hand moving to brush hair out of his eyes. Fingers tapping against the armrest. Legs shaking. And then he looked up, and Remus was of course, stupidly, looking at him and he panicked, could he please just look down again, please, please. Sirius hesitated for a moment and stood up. What the fuck? Remus pulled his eyes back to the book, not listening, not listening, not listening.

‘Remus.’ There was no way Remus was going to react.

‘Remus.’ He shifted. ‘Today’s been really weird.’ Remus could physically feel his presence, despite them having no contact. The words were spinning on the page.

‘I wanted to say that I’m sorry again.’ After a few beats, ‘okay, yeah, you don’t- I’m sorry.’

Remus didn’t move an inch until he heard the portrait door swing open and closed.

\---

A week passed in a much a similar way. Classes were uncomfortable and hard to focus on. Sirius sat at a distance from them and Remus, James and Peter didn’t say a word to him. Remus felt a little guilty that not only was he shunning Sirius but Peter and James were too. He knew how much Sirius relied on his friends, and, he had been disowned only a few months ago, something that no matter how much he insisted was okay, Remus knew wasn’t. No matter how guilty he felt, he knew James and Peter wouldn’t forgive him until Remus did. When Sirius did talk to him, it was to apologise. Again and again and again. Remus wasn’t sure what he thought he was going to gain from this, he seemed to get the message that he wasn’t going to be forgiven any time soon and didn’t even really need a response but apologies still dripped out of his mouth almost whenever the two were in a room together. They itched under Remus’s skin. Was he being too harsh? If Sirius felt this bad, should he just forgive him? Was he being unfair? When he brought the issue up with James and Peter, they assured him he wasn’t, that Sirius may feel terrible but that wouldn’t reverse anything and Remus needed to forgive him in his own time. Remus noted the absence of an option of not forgiving him at all. Of course, he knew it would happen, there would have to come a point when he didn’t feel a burning in his chest at the thought of Sirius, when his fingers wouldn’t clench at the mention of his name, but at the moment, that felt like a very distant future. His inability to forgive Sirius made his apologies feel like dirt building under his fingers, when he touched anything, his own guilt smeared out from them.

\---

‘So what’s going on with you and Black?’ Lily asked Remus on their prefect rounds on Wednesday night.

Remus averted his eyes, fingers worrying at the hem of his jumper. ‘Nothing.’

‘Uh huh. Yeah that seems likely.’

‘It’s nothing. It’s not a big deal.’

Remus could feel her eyes on him, scrutinising. ‘Going from being inseparable to literally not saying one word to each other seems like kind of a big deal to me.’

‘Why do you want to know?’ You don’t even like him.’

‘It’s not that I don’t _like_ him. I just find it annoying when he’s in my general vicinity. And anyway, I like you and I’m asking because you’re my friend.’

‘Well I appreciate the concern but I’m fine.’ Remus thought of himself as a pretty good liar but he wasn’t sure this one would pass.

‘Hey, stop for a second.’ Lily took his arm and gently turned him to face her. ‘You don’t have to tell me the specifics but I’m worried about you and want to be able to help. I can’t watch you be so miserable and not do anything about it.’ Remus searched her face for a second to make sure she was being serious; she looked so genuinely concerned it made his heart feel lighter. She had no obligation to care about him. Sometimes Remus felt like James, Peter and Sirius were only being his friends because they had to at this point. They’d become a group and now they had to stick to it even if they didn’t want to. But Lily wasn’t his friend in the same way. She wasn’t part of their group, she didn’t share a dorm with him, being liked by Lily felt different, almost more real than being liked by his other friends.

‘Sirius told someone something about me that he shouldn’t have and that he knew he shouldn’t have and I’m finding it really hard to forgive him for it.’

Lily chewed her lip. ‘And it’s so bad that even Potter hates him for it?’

Remus nodded. ‘You haven’t heard anything have you?’ Remus was fully aware that Lily and Snape used to be best friends and if he was going to tell anyone it would be her, if only to get her away from James.

‘If I had, I wouldn’t be asking.’ Of course she wouldn’t, despite knowing this, Remus couldn’t stop anxious energy from coursing through his body. ‘Even if you don’t want to talk about it, you know you can still come to me if you need anything though, right?’

Remus nodded. ‘Thanks Lily.’

‘Also I can punch Sirius if you want me to.’ Remus laughed, ‘thanks for the offer but I don’t think he needs it.’

‘I guess he has been looking kind of miserable.’ She paused. ‘Not that he doesn’t deserve it I’m sure.’

Remus wouldn’t let himself think that he didn’t. ‘Yeah, I think he does.’ ‘Seriously, I’m totally happy to punch him though. You just have to ask.’

\---

Friday morning and Sirius’ apologies were still falling from his mouth every chance he got. Remus brushed his teeth resolutely staring at himself in the mirror rather than at Sirius. He tied his tie with much more concentration than was necessary and made a point of engaging in an animated conversation with Lily and Marlene, rather than listen to him at breakfast. Slinging his bag over his shoulder, he twisted his way through the crowd heading out of the Great Hall towards the Charms Corridor.

‘Remus, would you just listen to me for one second?’ Sirius’ voice floated through the muddle of people to Remus. One foot in front of the other. Ignore him.

‘Please? I just want to talk to you for one minute.’ Keep walking. Keep breathing.

‘Hey.’ Sirius was right next to him now. ‘I just- I’m really so sorry Remus, I- like maybe we could talk about this, I-‘

‘Do you seriously think I want to talk to you?’ Remus pulled at the straps of his bag and stopped in the middle of the hall to face Sirius. ‘Why the hell would I want to have a conversation with you?’

‘Well I just thought-‘ He sounded desperate.

‘I don’t know what the fuck you’re thinking but whatever it is, you’re wrong about it.’ Remus’ voice was getting louder now, his fingers were curling. ‘I don’t know what you could possibly say that you haven’t said already, unless you want to lie to me, so my feelings have not changed and I don’t give a shit about what you could say that you think is going to make anything better because nothing will. I get that you’re sorry okay? Can you understand that? I know that you’re sorry but I also knew you were sorry weeks ago. I get that you’re feeling miserable or whatever but there is no way in hell I’m going to stand here and feel guilty for something that _you_ did. Jesus Christ, I don’t know if you want me to feel sorry for you but just a reminder that I’m the one who got hurt. I’m the one who now can’t trust the person I care about the most. I’m the one whose whole life could have been ruined, so can you quit acting like a kicked puppy? Maybe you should have thought about your stupid guilt before you fucked me over. So can you just shut the fuck up and stop pestering me with your stupid apologies that don’t even fucking mean anything anymore. I am so over your freaking bullshit, just leave me alone and stop talking to me. Why don’t you go cry to Snivellus or something now that you tell him everything?’

Remus’ vision was blurred and his palms were sweating and there were a million eyes burning him from every direction. His own voice was ringing in his ears. ‘Yeah- yeah okay.’ Sirius almost whispered. Remus wouldn’t have heard it if all senses were not honed in on him. It helped that the Hall was completely silent too. Sirius turned and pushed his way through the mass of students and out of sight.

‘Hey, Remus, hey.’ There was hand on his shoulder, Remus turned to see James and Peter. ‘Can you all stop staring please?’ James addressed the crowd. Remus could only faintly hear the murmurs that started as the clusters of students separated.

‘Come on, you’re going back to the dorm.’ James tried to turn Remus around.

Some fuzz cleared from Remus’ mind. ‘No- no I want to go to class, just act like that didn’t happen.’

James looked doubtful. ‘Are you sure that’s a good idea?’

‘Yeah, maybe people will just ignore it.’

People did not ignore it. If Remus thought the whispers before were bad, they were nothing compared to this. Now, not only did everyone know whatever happened was between Remus and Sirius, they had basis for the rumours. No sooner had Remus sat down in Charms than his classmates were either talking about him or to him, trying to figure out what had happened. He put his head on his desk and tried to prevent his skin and eyes from prickling. _Why the fuck had he done that?_ He couldn’t deny that it had felt really good; he had felt Sirius’ words scratching their way through his veins all week, making them want to burst. But now things were going to be so much worse, especially since he’d mentioned Snape. He didn’t listen to a word all class, or for the rest of the day, maybe it would have been better to take James up on his suggestion of staying in the dorm, at least then he wouldn’t have to deal with everyone’s voices pushing into his brain. Everyone except Sirius’. He never turned up to class and only came back to their dorm far past curfew. This time, James, Peter and Remus were still awake, James writing a letter to his mum, Peter with flashcards spread across his bed and Remus not doing much more than staring into space. The tension that electrified the room upon his entry was almost visible. James sighed, Peter gulped, and Remus’ eyes trailed him as he went through the methodical motions of preparing for sleep. The awareness Remus had of each of their presences in the room made it feel like he was going to split open. He had to use a spell to get to sleep that night.

\---

The tension didn’t go away. Every time he and Sirius were in a room together, Remus felt nauseated. Despite very much not wanting to talk to him, the averted, deep sighs and skirting out of rooms upon the other’s entry was almost worse. Remus couldn’t quite believe how quickly they had gone from spending almost every spare second together, smiling with each other, feeling more comfortable talking than anything else, to this. How silence had gone from soft and easy, to static that stung Remus’ heart and made goose bumps spread along his arms. James and Peter tried their best to keep his spirits up, talking to him as normal, acting as if everything was fine but the gaping hole of a fourth person was felt by them all acutely. Remus wasn’t sure if this constituted missing Sirius exactly, more like something was off, a little bit skewed. Six years of caring about someone didn’t go away easily, he realised. But if Sirius didn’t give a shit about him, then he shouldn’t give a shit about Sirius.

The full moon’s steady approach did not make things any easier. The week before, Remus always felt it in his bones, pushing at them. He felt in his senses, forcing them into alertness, making him hypersensitive to every touch, every smell. He felt it in his emotions, making him more on edge, more ready to snap at any moment. The moon that March was on a Saturday, and by the Thursday before, he felt so overwhelmed, so out of focus, he couldn’t stand to be in a room with other people. His lack of attention in class over the last few weeks made the situation that much worse. He decided if he couldn’t get the anger and frustration out of his body then he would at least get out of the school. He spent Thursday and Friday in Hogsmeade and one of the other villages marginally close to the school. He, along with Sirius, James and Peter had realised pretty early on that it was stupid that they were only let out on Hogsmeade weekends, and, with the help of James’ Invisibility Cloak, had started sneaking out on various weekends, and some school-days, whenever they could be bothered with the long walk. He assumed this is what Sirius had been doing on those occasions he hadn’t shown up to their dorm. The fresh air was helpful, although not very distracting from the pain seeping into Remus’ bones. He took time to listen to sounds that weren’t teenagers’ chatter or his own pounding head.

By Saturday morning, he felt a little less jittery. Not enough to go anywhere in the school with other people but enough to attempt his History of Magic homework at least. The attempt wasn’t very successful though because Sirius decided to take the one time he was being productive to talk to him. Remus let him sit awkwardly near the end of his bed for a minute. He for sure wasn’t going to be the one to initiate conversation.

‘Um Remus?’ Remus’ grip on his quill tightened, he kept staring at his parchment. ‘I know we’re not really talking right now but I just need to ask you something.’

He didn’t sound like he was going to start anything, just as if he genuinely had a question, so Remus looked up.

‘So it’s the full moon tonight.’ Remus raised an eyebrow. ‘Uh… I was just wondering if I should come or not… if you wanted me there.’

‘Oh.’ He hadn’t even thought about that. Sirius was usually the one who made full moons so much better, so much more bearable. The one that stopped the heavy weight from dropping in his stomach the next morning and the scars from spreading over his skin. The one who turned painful howls into barks of joy and dulled the pain of transformation. The one who made Remus feel just a bit less monstrous. All of that was gone now. ‘I don’t think that’s a good idea.’ Sirius wouldn’t be comforting anymore, and Remus’ strong emotions passed over to Moony too, he could get hurt.

‘Yeah.’ Sirius fiddled with his hands. ‘That makes sense. I just thought I’d ask.’ Remus didn’t know how to feel. He couldn’t convince himself that Sirius actually cared what happened to him that night, no matter how much he looked or spoke as if he did. It was so strange to Remus that that could change so quickly. Last month, there was no doubt in his mind that Sirius was worried for him, that he wanted to protect him, that he would be hurt if something happened to him. But could the concern in his voice be faked? Remus let his eyes meet Sirius’ for a second before going back to his essay.

\---

The full moon was almost unbearable. Sirius would, more commonly be the one to sit by him in the dimming light that creeped through the cracks of the Shrieking Shack, making the room feel ghostly and abandoned. He would be the one to talk to Remus to distract from the creak of the flimsy, splintering wood around him, the scrape of branches against the lone window, the pounding of blood in his ears. He would be the one to hold his hand, to trace patterns on his palm to distract from his shivering body, his bones, cracking in echo of the floorboards, his breath coming out in choked sobs. His place was now taken by James who let Remus rest his head on his shoulder and grip his hand tightly as his body prepared for changing into a different form.

And then the moon rose and his body gave up its fight against the wolf. His bones broke and twisted in excruciating agony, his lengthening fingers tore through skin, his eyes and mouth and nose forced themselves into new shapes, stretching and pulling. All his organs reformed, waves of nausea spilling over him, chased by aching spasms. And once all of that was over, it was the scent and sound that hit him. The body did not cope well with the transition from human senses to wolf senses. But then it was over and the pain dulled to a deep and constant throb throughout his animal form. Remus was always jealous of his friends during this part, they could change form in a second, painlessly and simply. Why was it so different for him?

Earlier, James, Peter and Remus agreed it would be best to stay in the Shack that night. Padfoot was the best a getting Moony not to wander too far and come back at the end of the night, maybe some kind of canine connection. Without him, it was too much of a risk. Moony did not like to be kept indoors. The walls shook as he threw himself against them and yelps pierced the air when his body connected with Prongs’ antlers. He growled and bit and ripped and scratched. There was someone missing from his pack and they wouldn’t let him find them. He wouldn’t abandon his pack mates, if they stopped him, they would be hurt. There was blood, staining fur, staining wood. Claws ripping into flesh. The moon pulled at every tendon in his body, gravitating him towards its glow. That was all he could understand with his animalistic senses. The moon and the blood. And the pain.

It was over and whimpers turned to heavy breathing, blood on fur turned to blood on skin, sharpened claws turned to jagged fingernails and the world came into focus. James and Peter had to leave before Madam Pomfrey got there so Remus couldn’t say anything to them. The pain overtook him. Peter had left his jacket to try and stop the flow of blood from his many wounds, none of them having brought their wands with them, but Remus was too weak to move. _Breathe, in, out, close your eyes, you have your body back. This is your body._ His ribs must be broken, there’s no way it could hurt that much otherwise, surely. _Breathe, in, out, open your eyes. You’re alive. This is your body._ Maybe his nose was broken too; there wouldn’t be that much blood otherwise. _Breathe, in, out, keep your eyes open. It’s over. This is your body._ He couldn’t hear in one ear, he couldn’t move his fingers, he couldn’t feel his legs. He was being carried away by Madam Pomfrey and all he could think through the pain was that he couldn’t cope without Sirius Black.

\---

The pain was dulled after quick gulps of brightly coloured potions and tightly wrapped bandages, spelled so the blood wouldn’t seep through. His ribs _were_ broken but had been mended quickly, albeit not painlessly. James had been hurt too, he tried to hide it but it was clear to Remus that something had happened. Finally, after unrelenting insistence he showed Remus the deep, dark cut that run up his stomach and over his ribcage. It made Remus feel sick.

‘It’s really fine though Remus, I just put a few spells on it and it was fixed.’ James tried.

‘It doesn’t look fixed.’

‘Well it doesn’t hurt; I can’t even feel it, which means it’s fixed.’

‘You should be angry with me James.’ James should be yelling at him, not trying to make him feel better.

‘Why should I be angry with you?” He sounded genuinely curious.

‘Why should you be angry with me? Because I fucking did that.’ He had done that. The words pushed under his skin and into his chest. He had hurt his best friend and he hated himself for it. He fucking hated himself. He was a monster.

Heat was burning his retinas to dust, he wanted to claw off his skin and the knowledge that he could have done that the night before dropped a weight in his stomach.

‘Remus.’ James sat beside him and took his hand in his own, voice becoming gentler. ‘I knew what I was doing when I became an animagus okay? We all did. We knew it wasn’t going to be a walk in the park, we knew there was a huge chance of us getting hurt. It’s not your fault.’

‘But I shouldn’t let you do it, I’m being selfish.’

‘You know we wouldn’t listen to you if you tried to stop us.’

Remus sighed and pulled at the sheets. Why had he been so stupid? ‘Your pain shouldn’t have to increase so mine can be lessened.’

‘Remus, look at me.’ Reluctantly, Remus lifted his head; James’ dark eyes bore into his. The look he gave when he needed to make a point. ‘I would die for you in a heartbeat. And I have a feeling you would do the same for me. So I am more than happy to get a scratch like this if it means you’ll suffer just a little bit less. The pain of whatever Moony could do to me is nothing compared to what I feel thinking about what you have to go through. Even if you won’t let me do this for you, let me do it for myself.’

Sparks flew through Remus’ chest. He felt loved, even if he didn’t quite believe it was possible for him to be loved by anyone.

‘Remus needs to rest James, and you need to be in class!’ Madam Pomfrey came bustling into the room, shooing James towards the door. He gently let go of Remus’ hand. Remus didn’t know how to thank him, he thought maybe he would figure it out but for now, he just gave James a weak smile.

At the door, James turned. ‘You know Sirius would die for you too.’

\---

The pain in Remus’ heart was not as easily mollified as the rest of his body. Throughout the next two days, days of trying feverishly to catch up on schoolwork while restricted to the Hospital Wing and trying in vain to convince James and Peter that they really shouldn’t miss so much class to visit him, the aching pull of Remus’ bones was replaced by the aching pull of his guilt and loneliness. And in turn, his guilt at feeling guilty. He shouldn’t, he was blameless. He didn’t feel blameless.

Remus allowed himself to appreciate the safety of the Hospital Wing, it meant he had an excuse not to see Sirius, but that couldn’t last forever. He was let out in the late evening on Monday after excessive fussing from Madam Pomfrey but he couldn’t bear going back to the dorm. Instead, he made the excuse to himself of needing to stretch his legs and took to wandering the long hallways of the school, trying to only focus on the sound of his echoing footsteps on the stone and the distant ongoing noise of students. This, unfortunately, meant he was not paying attention to where he was going- or who was near him.

‘Ugh, get the fuck away from me.’

Remus looked up. _Of course_ , he had run straight into Snape. He had been trying to stay far away from him over the last month, avoiding even being in the same room if possible. Now, he was right here in front of him. And it looked like Snape wasn’t going to let him go easily

‘Sorry.’ Remus mumbled, trying to skirt past him.

‘Have fun on Saturday?’ Remus’ stomach dropped. ‘I can’t believe they’re still letting you stay here. I mean, it’s a school for Christ’s sake.’ Remus didn’t reply, keeping his eyes trained on the floor, heart beating faster. Snape was blocking the hallway.

‘Couldn’t you be infecting people right now? Shouldn’t you be quarantined or something?’

Insults rushed through Remus’ head about Snape being the one that’s infectious. He didn’t say them. Maybe he would’ve if his friends were there. He didn’t know if they were their thoughts or his own.

‘Can’t you even speak now? Is that a weird side effect or are you just a coward without your friends babysitting you?’ Nails dug into his palm, his chest tightened.

‘I don’t think you want me to say anything.’ Remus said through gritted teeth. ‘Jeez, I’m just trying to make conversation. You don’t have to get so touchy Lupin.’ Remus’ biggest fear was killing someone, but at that moment he thought that maybe he could make an exception.

‘Excuse me if I don’t really feel like talking to you.’ _Please can this end now._

‘Oh, I understand, you had to deal a little bit of pain so now you’re all grumpy. You poor thing.’

‘You don’t know what you’re talking about.’ He should just walk away, Snape might be blocking the way forwards but Remus could just turn around and go back to his common room. His feet were stuck to the floor.

‘Don’t I? Let me remind you I was there last time.’ Snape sneered, savouring each word, watching as they crawled over Remus’ skin.

‘You weren’t.’ Remus’ vision was becoming cloudy. ‘You have no freaking clue. You’re standing there looking all smug but you weren’t there when my fucking skin was ripping apart and my bones were breaking. And you weren’t there two nights ago either, so don’t freaking try and tell me how I’m feeling.’ Why the hell was he saying this? Snape didn’t deserve to know how he felt or what he had to deal with.

Snape’s smile was faltering. There was fear in his eyes, or maybe that had been there all along. ‘Do you expect me to feel sorry for you or something?’

Remus scoffed, he wasn’t scared now, just fed up, and that came with confidence. ‘Yeah, like I need sympathy from you.’

‘Well I don’t know.’ Snape wasn’t backing down. Remus could see it in the way he was standing. He was determined to win. ‘Maybe now that you can’t go crying to Black, you’re getting desperate. You know I really do think it’s such a shame that he never actually cared about you.’ The smirk was back, he was so pleased with himself. And that was it. Remus could feel the nausea building in his stomach and the heat building in his limbs. _He really shouldn’t have said that._

It wasn’t an entirely conscious decision but it was an unsurprising one. Remus had his wand at Snape’s throat in a fraction of a second.

He was clearly trying not to be but Snape was worried. ‘What the hell are you doing?’ He wasn’t as loud as before.

‘I’m sorry you were scared.’ Apologising to Snape felt strange to Remus but he genuinely was sorry. ‘I really didn’t want that to happen to you but you’re making it pretty difficult to feel any sympathy for you.’ Snape’s body was deflating; Remus pressed his wand a little harder into his skin. ‘I kind of thought almost getting killed for trying to find out things that aren’t yours to know would stop you from sticking your nose into other people’s business but I guess I was wrong. You don’t know shit about what’s going on with Sirius and me so I would appreciate it if you could shut up about it.’

Snape opened his mouth, if he actually had anything to say, Remus would never know because there were footsteps on the stones, coming towards them. The last thing Remus needed was fifty detentions so he dropped his wand. Snape heard it too and moved as quickly as he could in the opposite direction while still trying to look dignified. He may not have been the one with his wand at Remus’ throat but he definitely wasn’t innocent either.

For the second time in ten minutes, Remus couldn’t bring himself to move. He hated that he could be so effected by one comment from someone whose opinion he didn’t even care about. But Sirius was involved, so of course he was effected.

‘Mr Lupin? Are you okay?’ McGonagall’s voice. He should reply. He didn’t.

She sighed. ‘I’m worried about you Remus.’

‘I’m fine.’ He didn’t think about saying it, it was his default reply. He wasn’t facing her but he could imagine the expression she was wearing.

‘I haven’t wanted overstep here, but as your Head of House, I feel some responsibility to look out for you.’

Remus turned then, tucking his wand back into his pocket. He could appreciate what she was trying to do, but he could barely stand the pity from his friends, let alone his teachers. ‘I understand that you have duties as a Head of House but I’m fine to work this out on my own.’ He tried to keep his voice cordial, he was angry with her. What did she think she could possibly do to fix this? Why did she even think she had a right to get involved? She looked unconvinced. And sad.

‘Okay Remus, as I said, I don’t want to overstep.’ Remus struggled to hold the weight of the silence that hung in the air. As soon as she was gone, and he was alone again, he regretted refusing her help.

\---

James and Peter fervently promised they would make Snape feel sorry for what he’d done but the thing that kept forcing its way into Remus’ head over the next couple of weeks was not what Snape had said to him, but what he had replied. _You don’t know shit about what’s going on with Sirius and me._ Was that true? Because Snape had voiced exactly what Remus was thinking. What he had spent the whole of last month turning over and over in his mind. That Sirius didn’t care about him. But the idea of Snape, of all people, being right about Sirius’ feelings felt so incorrect to Remus that his conviction started to ebb. It started to ebb when Remus saw Sirius looking at him in class or drawing sketches of him over his notes and scribbling them out. It started to ebb when he heard soft crying coming from Sirius’ bed at night and when he could see him wanting to say something to Remus but stopping himself. It wasn’t that Remus didn’t feel angry anymore, more that his anger had been dampened into tiredness. Remus didn’t think he was ready to forgive Sirius but it was as if his mind had given up on hating him. His chest didn’t feel like fire when he saw Sirius, instead, it felt hollow. He didn’t want to block out his voice whenever he spoke, he wanted to be able to reply. So he started replying. Their conversations weren’t really conversations at all, just letters strung into words strung into sentences to form some kind of basic meaning.

‘Have you seen my Arithmancy textbook?’

‘Are you going to Hogsmeade this weekend?’

‘Could you pass me that quill please?’

It felt so wrong but Remus couldn’t bring himself to really talk to Sirius. Thinking about having a real conversation made warning bells ring in his head, because what if it turned out he was wrong and Sirius really didn’t care about him? Surface level speech felt safe, or at least it didn’t make his stomach clench. At least he could breathe again when walking into a room with Sirius, even if that wasn’t enough.

James and Peter seemed to catch on to the fact that Remus and Sirius were speaking again and therefore tentatively started talking to him too. They hadn’t completely blocked him out in the way Remus had, but Remus could see the relief they felt at being able to actually spend time with him.

‘Are you okay with us being friendly to him again?’ James asked Remus, in the library one evening.

Remus looked up from taking notes on snakeskin uses in potions. He was surprised by the question. It hadn’t occurred to him not to be okay with it. ‘Of course, I felt so terrible about making you shut him out, I’m glad you’re talking again.’

James worried his lip between his teeth. ‘You didn’t make us do anything.’

‘I know, but you had an obligation to be mad with him.’

‘It’s not obligation, it’s my own feelings. I was- I _am_ mad with him.’

Remus didn’t have an argument for that. You can’t tell people how they should feel.

‘I told him I’m still angry.’ James said.

‘And what did he say to that?’

‘That that’s okay, he thinks I should be.’ Remus thought it would be easier to stay upset with Sirius if he weren’t acting so regretful.

‘Has he said anything about me?’ It was a selfish question and Remus could just ask Sirius himself but he couldn’t stop himself from voicing it. ‘

He said he misses you.’

‘Oh.’ A pause. Pages turned and quills scraped against parchment. Remus pulled at a loose thread in his jumper. ‘What do you think I should do?’

‘I could tell you I think you should do whatever feels right or some crap but honestly? I think you should forgive him.’ Remus took a deep breath. ‘But not right now or anything, whenever you’re ready.’

Their dance continued and Remus couldn’t help but analyse everything that happened between them. Was that half-smile worth forgiving? Was helping Peter with his homework? Was writing a letter to James’ parents? He tried not to let the idea of forgiveness feel like a betrayal to himself. He always knew it was going to happen eventually; maybe it was time to let it. Now that he wasn’t so intensely angry, Remus supposed it would be the best thing for all of them. Himself especially. Now, he was hurting more from lack of Sirius’ presence than from his betrayal. He would find himself staring at the photos on the walls of their dorm, eleven, thirteen, fifteen-year-old faces looking back him and feel his throat go dry, feel the loss of Sirius over him like a heavy blanket that he couldn’t untangle himself from.

\---

It was on another sleepless night a few days later that Remus heard pained cries emanating from Sirius’ bed. Nightmares. Sirius had them often and often he put up silencing spells. Not tonight. Tonight, although they were not loud, the sounds permeated through Remus’ curtains, through his skin. He waited, letting the buzz of the night become louder in his ears, focusing on that instead. Maybe James or Peter would wake up. He waited, tapping his fingers on his mattress, focusing on that instead. Maybe it would stop. It didn’t stop. Remus’ heart ached. He breathed and listened and waited. Slowly, he inched his way out of bed, feeling the cold wood under his feet. He stood. This moment felt important. Taking the few steps to Sirius’ bed and pulling back the curtain, he sat carefully. He took at Sirius’ face, pained, eyebrows scrunched, and eyes tight, scared. Somehow, Remus wasn’t scared himself.

‘Hey.’ Remus pushed gently on Sirius’ shoulder as he twisted around, the sheets wrapping taut around his torso. ‘Sirius.’ Louder. Both their hearts were thumping, both becoming more desperate. ‘Sirius, I need you to wake up.’ Sirius groaned and his eyes flew open, his breathing was heavy.

‘Shit. What- oh God.’

‘You’re okay.’ Remus kept his voice gentle. ‘Can you sit up?’

Sirius shifted slowly, adjusting to the real world, a contrast to the one inside his head. ‘Remus?’

‘Yeah.’ Remus knew he just needed the assurance that he was there. He stretched over to take Sirius’ wand from his bedside table and cast a silencing spell around their little island of space. Sirius had a hand on his chest, he still looked scared.

Remus took his hand, putting pressure on each finger in turn, bringing him back, bringing him back. He thought the contact would make him uncomfortable but it felt natural. ‘Everything’s okay Sirius, you know where you are?’ Sirius nodded, his eyes softening, his breathing slowing. They sat there for a minute or two listening to the distant screech of owls, the wind in the trees. Letting moonlight wash over them and being unafraid.

‘Why are you here?’ Sirius sounded so unsure, distinct against Remus’ own surety.

‘I wanted to help you.’

‘You shouldn’t want that.’

‘Shouldn’t I?’ ‘I don’t deserve to be helped by you.’ That would have rung true to Remus a few weeks ago. Not anymore.

‘It doesn’t matter if you deserve it or not. It’s what’s happening.’ Remus realised their hands were still linked, he squeezed. They properly looked at each other for what felt like the first time in years. It made Remus feel safe. Like what it should feel like, like what it did feel like to look at Sirius. ‘Are you feeling any better now?’

Sirius sighed. ‘Yeah, I just-‘ he stopped.

‘I want to hear.’

Owls, wind, were they afraid?

‘I’m so ashamed to still have nightmares about them.’ _Them_. People whose names couldn’t be spoken aloud. People who hurt so intensely, even their names cut Sirius’ throat. Remus had tried so hard not to feel sorry for Sirius for so long that now it all came rushing through his body in a wave that enveloped everything. ‘When something fucks you up so deeply, it’s not going to go away, no matter how safe you are now. I wish it would but it’s not your fault. They should be the ones who are ashamed, not you.’

Sirius lay his head back on the headboard, staring at the ceiling. ‘I wish that could change things. I feel so stupid.’

‘I know, but you know I won’t judge you right?’ Remus wasn’t sure if that was so clear now, he had been doing a lot of judging.

Sirius tilted his head forward, studying Remus, eyes tracing his nose, lips, scars. ‘I guess you wouldn’t go talking about it to the rest of the school either right?’ So this was where he wanted to go, maybe it was avoidance but Remus didn’t really care, he imagined they would have a lot of time to talk about Sirius’ nightmares. He felt everything balancing on this conversation.

‘But maybe you could forgive me if I did? If I knew I’d fucked up?’

Sirius smiled a smile that somehow contained both absolute happiness and absolute sadness. ‘Yeah?’

‘Yeah.’ Remus said, and smiled a smile that didn’t contain any sadness at all. ‘Do you want to go for a walk?’

They pulled coats and shoes on, fumbled in the darkness for the Map, left the cloak; they wanted to see each other. They held wands and felt their way down the stairs. They woke up the Fat Lady but could only manage rushed apologies. They whispered the words to open the Map and held their lights to it. There were no teachers walking the corridors near them, not even Mrs Norris. Remus thought that was a tiny miracle. They barely remembered to keep their footsteps quiet as they moved through the halls and found a door leading outside. And then, they were breathing in air that made them feel alive.

They walked, footfalls soft on damp grass. Oxygen flooding their lungs and bones. It’s not that Remus had planned to talk to Sirius at any particular time but he had not expected the time to be that night. He felt ready for it though, if the past few weeks had been any indication, Remus cared too much about Sirius not to let him back into his life.

‘You know it wasn’t the actual fact of you telling Snape that I was so upset about.’ Remus’ said, knowing the conversation couldn’t be avoided now, not that he wanted to avoid it. ‘I mean, that sucked, a lot but it was the idea that I couldn’t trust you that broke me. I couldn’t cope with it, because for years I had been trying to convince myself that you could be trusted and I think I had finally gotten there. It was something that I never expected to lose.’

‘God Remus. I- shit, I don’t know what I can say to that, I can’t fucking believe I did that to you.’

‘I don’t think I think that anymore though.’ The words rang surprisingly true to Remus; he had never thought them before. ‘I think that you really value being trustworthy, you wouldn’t have cared about what happened if you didn’t. I could see how destroyed you were.’

‘I’m worried you’re doing this because you feel like you have to.’ Sirius’ voice bloomed into the air in front of him and hung there for a second.

‘Do you really think I would do that?’ Remus’ hung for longer.

‘I guess not.’

‘I’m doing it because I know you know you fucked up. I’m doing it because you didn’t try to blame Snape. I’m doing it because you stopped talking to me when I told you to. I’m doing it because I miss you.’ The question he had been asking himself was answered then. Sirius was definitely worth forgiving.

‘I miss you too. So much. You know how much I care about you right?’ Remus nodded. He did. ‘I don’t think I realised how hard not being around you would be- I don’t want to make you feel guilty or anything. You know I think everything you did was totally justified.’

Remus pushed his hands into his pockets. ‘I did feel guilty though, I couldn’t help it. No matter how many times I told myself I had nothing to be guilty about, hurting you made me feel so awful. And I’m not saying that I’m not angry with you at all anymore, I am. But I think I care more about you than being angry.'

‘I’m sorry.’ Sirius said. ‘I mean- sorry for saying sorry.’

Remus laughed. ‘I think I can probably let you off.’

‘Thank you.’ Remus could tell he wanted to touch him but didn’t want to initiate anything before Remus.

So Remus wrapped him in his arms, holding his body, holding his apologies and sorrow and joy and Sirius did the same for him. They held each other in a way that told the other how much they needed them. How lost they felt without them, how found they felt now. Remus felt the heat of tears slipping over his skin, they were crying and maybe they were laughing and maybe they could breathe. It was cold and Remus should be feeling it but he wasn’t, he just felt so, so warm.

‘Thank you thank you thank you.’ Sirius was mumbling into Remus’ shoulder. Remus knew exactly how he felt.

For the first time in a month in a half, Remus’ chest didn’t feel constricted or hollow or on fire. His skin didn’t itch and his stomach wasn’t queasy. There was a buzzing in his chest but not an unpleasant one. He extricated his arms from Sirius, looked at his face, the face of someone he couldn’t live without, the face of someone who had the power to shatter him completely but more than that, to repair him. He looked up, at the stars, at the moon and he was really, truly, okay.


End file.
